Gaslighting – a basic guide

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting means a form pf psychological manipulation and abuse in which the perpetrator makes his or her partner question and doubt their own perceptions, memory, judgement and sanity. Whilst it usually occurs in a domestic setting and against one person, it can be directed at individual members of a particular group. In a domestic relationship it is a manipulation tactic used to gain power and can amount to coercive and controlling behaviour. It is a highly effective form of emotional domestic abuse.

Where does the term originate from?

The term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman and based on the 1938 play Gas Light. In the film a husband manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is going insane. Bergman plays Paula, who meets a man called Gregory Anton and after a 2-week whirlwind romance they marry. He then begins to take control, firstly isolating her from her friends and moving her to her vacant Aunts house in London. He systematically begins to torment her by removing and hiding property from the house. He implies that she is responsible and suggests she has been stealing the items because she is having a nervous breakdown. At one stage he claims his watch has been stolen and plants it in her handbag, where she later discovers it. She starts to doubt her own sanity because he is so convincing, and she has no knowledge of having taken any of the items.

Gregory isolates further by not allowing her to go out or have visitors. This he tells her, is for her ‘own good’ and she starts to believe he is right. She also begins to hear footsteps from the attic and witnesses the gaslights dimming and brightening for no apparent reason. Gregory is responsible, but when she questions what she is seeing and hearing, he tells her she is delusional, acting irregularly and persuading her that it is all in her imagination, that she is in fact going mad. His aim is to have her certified as insane, institutionalised and then take over her affairs. Whilst the sub-plot involves the murder of her aunt, the film is really about the systematic psychological manipulation that Gregory puts Paula through.

How does it work?

The aim of the abuser is to gain complete power and control over the victim’s emotions and thoughts.  To achieve this, they will subtlety erode the victim’s self-esteem by making them doubt their own thoughts and feelings until they become utterly dependent on the abuser. Many examples mirror the ‘Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse’, of which there are three stages – idealisation, devaluation and discard.

What might an abuser do?

The tactics of an abuser may vary, but they will tend to be subtle, insidious and constant. They can include:

  •  seclusion – isolating the victim from their friends and family.
  • questioning and ridiculing the victim’s memory.
  • accusing the victim of lying or fabrication.
  • reneging on, or simply denying previously made promises or something they have said.
  • withholding information from the victim.
  • misdirecting the victim to do something, then questioning the victim’s actions.
  • persistent denial – denying a previous incident or conversation took place.
  • constantly contradicting or discounting information that comes from the victim.
  • belittling the victim’s worth. Making them seem unimportant and treating them as inferior.
  • trivialising and ridiculing the victim’s thoughts or feelings.
  • withdrawing affection and/or physical intimacy.
  • blatant and constant lying.
  • blaming – accusing the victim of messing up, failing them, not caring about the abuser, making the victim feel inadequate and like they have failed.
  • put downs – comments that they can easily find someone else, that the victim can be replaced by someone more attractive or who isn’t “useless” like the victim.
  • silent and sulky treatment – ignoring the victim for days and giving them the cold shoulder, often over something trivial. Putting the victim through a guilt trip.
  • dismissive language – such as “you’re mad, “you’re paranoid”, “you’re hysterical”, “don’t be so sensitive”, “can’t you take a joke”, “don’t be so dramatic”, or “you are imagining things”.
  • creating inexplicable incidents to either blame the victim or so that they doubt themselves.
  • verbal abuse.
  • manipulate and mould the way the victim looks, dresses and acts.
  • monitoring and surveillance.

How might this present in a victim?

  • they may constantly second-guess themselves.
  • act confused, disoriented and behaviour might be erratic.
  • constantly apologetic to the abuser.
  • constantly questioning their worth.
  • makes excuses for the abuser’s behaviour to friends and family.
  • loss of confidence

Eventually the victim may experience, anxiety, low self-esteem, trauma and depression.

Is gaslighting a criminal offence?

Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 created a new offence of controlling or coercive behaviour, in an intimate or family relationship. A person commits an offence if they repeatedly or continuously engage in behaviour towards another person, that is controlling or coercive; and at time of the behaviour, they are personally connected. The behaviour has to have a serious effect on the other person (victim), and the abuser knows or ought to that their behaviour will have a serious effect on the victim.

The Government defines coercive and controlling behaviour as:

Coercive – behaviour which is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim

Controlling – behaviour which is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour

Personally, connected means: an intimate personal relationship; or they live together and are either members of the same family; or they live together and have previously been in an intimate personal relationship with each other.

Serious effect is proven by: if the victim fears, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against them; or if it causes the victim serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on their day-to-day activities. The behaviour must occur repeatedly or ‘continuously.

The CPS guidance provides examples of what ‘substantial adverse effect on the victim’s usual day-to-day activities’ might amount to:

  • stopping or changing the way someone socialises
  • physical or mental health deterioration
  • a change in routine at home including those associated with mealtimes or household chores
  • changes to attendance record at school/college
  • putting in place measures at home to safeguard themselves or their children
  • changes to work patterns, employment status or routes to work

A person convicted of this offence can face up to 5-years imprisonment.

Thanks for reading.

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3 Comments

  1. Travis Johnson 15/10/2022 at 8:39 pm - Reply

    This is EXACTLY what my dad and stepmom have done to me to try to get my inheritance which is millions!

  2. Mr. Tony William Blosse. 21/02/2023 at 6:18 am - Reply

    I have been gaslighted constantly night and day by 4 persons without mercy for 4 years without anyone for help.
    It got so bad ,anxiety and panic attacks My nerves were only just holding out,
    I believe now it was the beginning of a nervous breakdown.
    While others were around , they were as nice and friendly like butter wouldn’t melt inside their mouths.
    Then the torture would begin again with me when I was alone .
    They never let up, they worked together like a well trained army,
    It got so bad ,I honestly believed that if I did not tread very carefully and aware at all times that it was a very reasonable assumption that I would be pushing up the daisies.
    On the day of his departure to a flat in fareham,Hampshire,he never apologised or even said sorry.
    He carried no remorse for his behaviour as well as his partner in crime.
    Out of the 4 , there is now only 1 left,
    I don’t know why he’s so quiet, has his gang left him all alone.
    He now has nothing to back him up.
    At last, now the odds are evenly stacked in my favour,
    For now, I’m going to put him in a holding pattern, until further notice.

  3. Danielle 19/05/2023 at 12:27 pm - Reply

    My step Daughter who is 15 lives with us.
    Her dad has custody of her, she still sees her mum but her mother gas lights her all the time pressuring her to go round there on a weekend when she doesn’t want to and because she doesn’t do as shes told she turns nasty and bombardeds her with big long messages on her phone how she’s horrible for not wanting to go round there and how much she’s upset everyone.
    Her 2 other kids start getting involved also who are 12 and 14 swearing at her so she gets ganged up on. There always playing mind games with her. Leading up to when shes suppose to be going round there they all start calling her through out the week to check up to see if she’s going there for the weekend. I hate the way they make her feel like a guilt trip all the time. They make her feel bad so she ends up going round there to keep the piece. I hate seeing this . But she is 15 and we have told her what is happening but she just let’s them treat her like it. Her mother makes out she has said things when she hasn’t trying to convince her she has said these things. She’s very controlling. She even sat her down and told her she tried to commit suicide and told her to keep it a secret. And everything is always a pinky promise. I fear what she’s doing to her other kids also She has brainwashed them so they don’t see there dad anymore. It’s all wrong what do u do in this situation?

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